We have sex for a myriad of reasons. Sometimes we do it to feel close to someone. Sometimes we do it to feel powerful. Sometimes we do it to please the guy we're with. Sometimes we do it because everyone else is doing it. Sometimes we do it to feel liberated. And sometimes we do it just to gain experience.
Regardless of the reasons, there is a high price to pay for all the sexual experience we gain. The more we have sex, the more we accumulate a trail of baggage that follows us into every sexual encounter.
Not only do our sexual experiences start to weigh us down with baggage like STI's, confusion, anger, depression, hurt, and mistrust, our past sexual involvements also affect the guy we're with. Consider this post from a guy in the book The Bare Naked Truth who's been with both "experienced" and "inexperienced" girls:
"I think it's [more difficult] for a guy (at least it was for me) to be with a girl who is 'experienced,' because we're afraid that we won't live up to her past experiences- that we won't be as memorable as the guys she's been with before."
While many guys embrace the hookup culture because they don't have to put any effort into getting sex (more will be said on this woeful state of affairs in future posts), a lot of them feel threatened at the same time by the thought of you having been with other guys who were better in bed.
You see, what you do in bed never affects just you and the guy you're with. It affects each one of your future partners...above all, it affects your future husband.
You may think you don't have to worry because you're never getting married, but take it from someone who in her teens and twenties never thought she would marry, more than likely you will someday. In fact, a huge percentage of girls, even in this day and age, say that they want to marry, and a very large percentage of us do in fact tie the knot.
The truth is, it will kill your husband to think of all the men you've been with before him.
Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way as my husband struggled for years to overcome insecurity and jealousy stemming from my past. In my younger years, I honestly thought no one would want me (for a myriad of reasons), but I came to realize, regardless of what I'd done and who had abandoned or rejected me, I was valuable and I did have worth.
I realized I was worth way more than I'd given myself credit for. So I started treating myself accordingly. No more hookups. No more casual sex. No more one night stands.
Though I've been faithful to my husband from the very beginning of our relationship, for a long time he felt like he couldn't trust me because of my past. I don't blame him. I had to work for years to show him I am a changed person and I'm 100% committed to being faithful to him.
So here is another peril to consider: Your future husband will also have a hard time trusting you to be faithful to him.
You may be thinking it's too late, you've already messed up and there's no turning back. It's not too late. If it wasn't too late for me, it's definitely not too late for you. Trust me, if you don't turn back it, only gets worse.
Decide now to treat yourself and future husband better. Believe it or not, there are guys out there willing to do the same for you, who want you to be as much of a "beginner" as they are. They may be few and far between, but all you need is one!
Friday, November 22, 2013
Thursday, November 7, 2013
"Sex is Sexist"
In the scheme of all things sex, most women and girls don't realize just how sexist sex really is. What do I mean?
Often the negative consequences of sex affect girls more than guys.
What kinds of consequences am I talking about? STIs- their immediate physical consequences as well as possible infertility in the future, not to mention the short-term and long-term emotional toll they take on a person.
According to the book Girls Uncovered: New Research on What America's Sexual Culture Does to Young Women, sex "places a larger burden on women than men" in several areas. The following eye-opening information is provided...
HPV (Human Papillomavirus)
Though this virus can cause cancer in both men and women, women are by far the most affected, with 12,000 new cases of invasive cervical cancer occurring each year. Sadly, 5,200 women die each year from the cancer.
Women are also the ones consistently subjected to uncomfortable Pap smears, as well as painful, stressful, anxiety-producing colposcopies or cervical biopsies (small pieces of the cervix are cut off for examination) if the Pap comes back abnormal.
If biopsies show precancerous or cancerous cells, the lesions must be removed from the cervix, a painful procedure which can damage the cervix, possibly resulting in infertility to the woman, or premature labor if she is able to carry a child in the future.
Not only that, but genital warts, also caused by HPV, are much more difficult to eradicate in women than men because of the "welcoming environment" of a woman's body, and can require several visits to the doctor. Meanwhile the medication used to treat warts typically causes uncomfortable burning in the vulva. :(
HPV is also linked to vaginal cancer, vulvar cancer, anal cancer (anal sex), and cancer of the throat and mouth (oral sex). It can also be spread simply through skin-to-skin contact or skin-to-genital contact.
Keep in mind that about 25 percent of teen girls and 45 percent of women ages twenty to twenty-four have HPV. Crazy enough, infections are often acquired during a first sexual experience. Since it is believed that levels of infection are even higher in men, it is estimated that 75 percent of the entire US population will eventually be infected with HPV!
Chlamydia and Gonorrhea
Chlamydia is by far the most common STI, and the group with the highest reported rate of chlamydia and gonorrhea is fifteen to nineteen-year-old girls, followed closely by twenty to twenty-four-year-olds.
The immaturity of the cervix in teen girls (sometimes referred to as "the transformation zone") is thought to be a big reason for their susceptibility to chlamydia and gonorrhea. These cells are less tough than those of girls in their twenties and older, or of those who have already had a child.
Sadly, up to 90 percent of women don't even realize they have chlamydia and 85 percent don't know they have gonorrhea because they experience no symptoms!
Left untreated, chlamydia and gonorrhea can lead to painful pelvic inflammatory disease, which damages and scares the Fallopian tubes, resulting in infertility, ectopic pregnancies, and chronic pelvic pain.
Chances are one day you will likely want a child of your own, and if you've ever known a woman who was trying to get pregnant and couldn't, you've probably seen the deep grief these women experience as a result of not being able to bear their own child.
One particular woman who experienced infertility for three years eventually found out "her fallopian tubes were not only blocked by extensive scarring, they were stuck to her ovaries. Also, her ovaries were stuck to some of her intestines and to her uterus." She had been a flight attendant prior to marriage and had been sexually involved with several men. She'd contracted an STI but had no idea because she had no symptoms. Sadly, no amount of surgery could reverse the damage done.
Herpes
One is six American adults is estimated to have herpes, including, again, many who are infected and don't know it.
For those who do experience symptoms, it is usually the woman who encounters excruciating burning of her genitals when first infected. In fact, sometimes the pain is so severe women cannot even urinate.
Not only that but, as we all know, there is no cure for herpes so there is a continual risk that a woman will pass the virus onto her child during labor. Herpes can cause blindness, brain damage, and even death to a child.
There are also significant psychological symptoms, both during the initial onset as well as throughout the recurring outbreaks, including anxiety, distress, and fear of stigmatization caused by a virus that will never go away.
All Things Considered
Based on this information alone, it is safe to conclude (and ludicrous to deny!) that we put ourselves at tremendous risk when engaging in sex with someone other than a faithful, long-term monogamous partner.
Admittedly, in our current culture, a faithful steady guy is hard to come by, but maybe if enough girls start to raise the bar and expect more, we will ignite a revolution where healthier sex choices become the norm... for ourselves, if for no one else.
Often the negative consequences of sex affect girls more than guys.
What kinds of consequences am I talking about? STIs- their immediate physical consequences as well as possible infertility in the future, not to mention the short-term and long-term emotional toll they take on a person.
According to the book Girls Uncovered: New Research on What America's Sexual Culture Does to Young Women, sex "places a larger burden on women than men" in several areas. The following eye-opening information is provided...
HPV (Human Papillomavirus)
Though this virus can cause cancer in both men and women, women are by far the most affected, with 12,000 new cases of invasive cervical cancer occurring each year. Sadly, 5,200 women die each year from the cancer.
Women are also the ones consistently subjected to uncomfortable Pap smears, as well as painful, stressful, anxiety-producing colposcopies or cervical biopsies (small pieces of the cervix are cut off for examination) if the Pap comes back abnormal.
If biopsies show precancerous or cancerous cells, the lesions must be removed from the cervix, a painful procedure which can damage the cervix, possibly resulting in infertility to the woman, or premature labor if she is able to carry a child in the future.
Not only that, but genital warts, also caused by HPV, are much more difficult to eradicate in women than men because of the "welcoming environment" of a woman's body, and can require several visits to the doctor. Meanwhile the medication used to treat warts typically causes uncomfortable burning in the vulva. :(
HPV is also linked to vaginal cancer, vulvar cancer, anal cancer (anal sex), and cancer of the throat and mouth (oral sex). It can also be spread simply through skin-to-skin contact or skin-to-genital contact.
Keep in mind that about 25 percent of teen girls and 45 percent of women ages twenty to twenty-four have HPV. Crazy enough, infections are often acquired during a first sexual experience. Since it is believed that levels of infection are even higher in men, it is estimated that 75 percent of the entire US population will eventually be infected with HPV!
Chlamydia and Gonorrhea
Chlamydia is by far the most common STI, and the group with the highest reported rate of chlamydia and gonorrhea is fifteen to nineteen-year-old girls, followed closely by twenty to twenty-four-year-olds.
The immaturity of the cervix in teen girls (sometimes referred to as "the transformation zone") is thought to be a big reason for their susceptibility to chlamydia and gonorrhea. These cells are less tough than those of girls in their twenties and older, or of those who have already had a child.
Sadly, up to 90 percent of women don't even realize they have chlamydia and 85 percent don't know they have gonorrhea because they experience no symptoms!
Left untreated, chlamydia and gonorrhea can lead to painful pelvic inflammatory disease, which damages and scares the Fallopian tubes, resulting in infertility, ectopic pregnancies, and chronic pelvic pain.
Chances are one day you will likely want a child of your own, and if you've ever known a woman who was trying to get pregnant and couldn't, you've probably seen the deep grief these women experience as a result of not being able to bear their own child.
One particular woman who experienced infertility for three years eventually found out "her fallopian tubes were not only blocked by extensive scarring, they were stuck to her ovaries. Also, her ovaries were stuck to some of her intestines and to her uterus." She had been a flight attendant prior to marriage and had been sexually involved with several men. She'd contracted an STI but had no idea because she had no symptoms. Sadly, no amount of surgery could reverse the damage done.
Herpes
One is six American adults is estimated to have herpes, including, again, many who are infected and don't know it.
For those who do experience symptoms, it is usually the woman who encounters excruciating burning of her genitals when first infected. In fact, sometimes the pain is so severe women cannot even urinate.
Not only that but, as we all know, there is no cure for herpes so there is a continual risk that a woman will pass the virus onto her child during labor. Herpes can cause blindness, brain damage, and even death to a child.
There are also significant psychological symptoms, both during the initial onset as well as throughout the recurring outbreaks, including anxiety, distress, and fear of stigmatization caused by a virus that will never go away.
All Things Considered
Based on this information alone, it is safe to conclude (and ludicrous to deny!) that we put ourselves at tremendous risk when engaging in sex with someone other than a faithful, long-term monogamous partner.
Admittedly, in our current culture, a faithful steady guy is hard to come by, but maybe if enough girls start to raise the bar and expect more, we will ignite a revolution where healthier sex choices become the norm... for ourselves, if for no one else.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Sexual Marketplace Value (SMV) = Sad Point of View (SPV)
If you are no stranger to hookup blogs, you have likely run across a particular blog touting its research-based advice as an intelligent approach to hookups. Sadly, the main theory pushed by the author is the idea of Sexual Marketplace Value (SMV). Meaning, each one us has a specific sexual value within the realm of a sort-of sexual exchange.
Great lengths have been taken to over-intellectualize the dynamics of such a marketplace, but it basically boils down to the sexual desirability of an individual or group (i.e. women in their 30's).
So twenty-something Suzy might be an 8 because she works out, has good hygiene, dresses nice, and regularly does her hair and makeup, though she isn't the most naturally beautiful girl. Meanwhile Frida is a 6 because, even though she is young, has good hygiene, and generally looks presentable, she doesn't exercise regularly and has been known go without makeup more often than not.
Apparently, in addition to factors such as age, hygiene, and looks, the value can go up or down based on past sexual experience (too much is generally not good), current relationship status (having a cute boyfriend makes one's value go up), and the type of "market" in which you are competing (college vs. high school, urban area vs. rural area, etc.).
While it may seem intelligent and trendy to classify sexuality this way, such an ideology is demeaning to all of us- reducing you and I to nothing more than a commodity to be bought and sold.
I don't know about you but I certainly think of myself as more than just a "product" available in a "marketplace." We are, after all, complex beings, complete with thoughts, feelings, intentions, struggles, hurts, baggage, dreams, and passions. We are the most unique beings on the planet, drastically different from any other creatures in existence. The Sexual Marketplace Value view nullifies all of that.
It takes the mystery and excitement out of human beings and relationships, ignoring all of the unique intricacies which make us human.
This point of view is especially sad to those who believe we are made in the image of God. To think precious creatures, such are we are, made in God's image and yet no two the same, are nothing more than merchandise for sale to the highest bidder deeply troubles the soul and hurts my heart. I hope it troubles you too.
Don't believe the lie that your sexuality culminates in nothing more than an SMV!
You are so much more. God has so much more for you. He has someone special in mind just for you. Think of how much hope that brings as compared to feeling like you have to compete in some demeaning and heartless contest for the attention of the opposite sex. Like we don't have enough pressures in this life already.
Do yourself a favor, don't buy into this Sad Point of View and learn to see the value of your sexuality from God's eyes. You'll be glad you did!
Great lengths have been taken to over-intellectualize the dynamics of such a marketplace, but it basically boils down to the sexual desirability of an individual or group (i.e. women in their 30's).
So twenty-something Suzy might be an 8 because she works out, has good hygiene, dresses nice, and regularly does her hair and makeup, though she isn't the most naturally beautiful girl. Meanwhile Frida is a 6 because, even though she is young, has good hygiene, and generally looks presentable, she doesn't exercise regularly and has been known go without makeup more often than not.
Apparently, in addition to factors such as age, hygiene, and looks, the value can go up or down based on past sexual experience (too much is generally not good), current relationship status (having a cute boyfriend makes one's value go up), and the type of "market" in which you are competing (college vs. high school, urban area vs. rural area, etc.).
While it may seem intelligent and trendy to classify sexuality this way, such an ideology is demeaning to all of us- reducing you and I to nothing more than a commodity to be bought and sold.
I don't know about you but I certainly think of myself as more than just a "product" available in a "marketplace." We are, after all, complex beings, complete with thoughts, feelings, intentions, struggles, hurts, baggage, dreams, and passions. We are the most unique beings on the planet, drastically different from any other creatures in existence. The Sexual Marketplace Value view nullifies all of that.
It takes the mystery and excitement out of human beings and relationships, ignoring all of the unique intricacies which make us human.
This point of view is especially sad to those who believe we are made in the image of God. To think precious creatures, such are we are, made in God's image and yet no two the same, are nothing more than merchandise for sale to the highest bidder deeply troubles the soul and hurts my heart. I hope it troubles you too.
Don't believe the lie that your sexuality culminates in nothing more than an SMV!
You are so much more. God has so much more for you. He has someone special in mind just for you. Think of how much hope that brings as compared to feeling like you have to compete in some demeaning and heartless contest for the attention of the opposite sex. Like we don't have enough pressures in this life already.
Do yourself a favor, don't buy into this Sad Point of View and learn to see the value of your sexuality from God's eyes. You'll be glad you did!
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