We have sex for a myriad of reasons. Sometimes we do it to feel close to someone. Sometimes we do it to feel powerful. Sometimes we do it to please the guy we're with. Sometimes we do it because everyone else is doing it. Sometimes we do it to feel liberated. And sometimes we do it just to gain experience.
Regardless of the reasons, there is a high price to pay for all the sexual experience we gain. The more we have sex, the more we accumulate a trail of baggage that follows us into every sexual encounter.
Not only do our sexual experiences start to weigh us down with baggage like STI's, confusion, anger, depression, hurt, and mistrust, our past sexual involvements also affect the guy we're with. Consider this post from a guy in the book The Bare Naked Truth who's been with both "experienced" and "inexperienced" girls:
"I think it's [more difficult] for a guy (at least it was for me) to be with a girl who is 'experienced,' because we're afraid that we won't live up to her past experiences- that we won't be as memorable as the guys she's been with before."
While many guys embrace the hookup culture because they don't have to put any effort into getting sex (more will be said on this woeful state of affairs in future posts), a lot of them feel threatened at the same time by the thought of you having been with other guys who were better in bed.
You see, what you do in bed never affects just you and the guy you're with. It affects each one of your future partners...above all, it affects your future husband.
You may think you don't have to worry because you're never getting married, but take it from someone who in her teens and twenties never thought she would marry, more than likely you will someday. In fact, a huge percentage of girls, even in this day and age, say that they want to marry, and a very large percentage of us do in fact tie the knot.
The truth is, it will kill your husband to think of all the men you've been with before him.
Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way as my husband struggled for years to overcome insecurity and jealousy stemming from my past. In my younger years, I honestly thought no one would want me (for a myriad of reasons), but I came to realize, regardless of what I'd done and who had abandoned or rejected me, I was valuable and I did have worth.
I realized I was worth way more than I'd given myself credit for. So I started treating myself accordingly. No more hookups. No more casual sex. No more one night stands.
Though I've been faithful to my husband from the very beginning of our relationship, for a long time he felt like he couldn't trust me because of my past. I don't blame him. I had to work for years to show him I am a changed person and I'm 100% committed to being faithful to him.
So here is another peril to consider: Your future husband will also have a hard time trusting you to be faithful to him.
You may be thinking it's too late, you've already messed up and there's no turning back. It's not too late. If it wasn't too late for me, it's definitely not too late for you. Trust me, if you don't turn back it, only gets worse.
Decide now to treat yourself and future husband better. Believe it or not, there are guys out there willing to do the same for you, who want you to be as much of a "beginner" as they are. They may be few and far between, but all you need is one!
Friday, November 22, 2013
Thursday, November 7, 2013
"Sex is Sexist"
In the scheme of all things sex, most women and girls don't realize just how sexist sex really is. What do I mean?
Often the negative consequences of sex affect girls more than guys.
What kinds of consequences am I talking about? STIs- their immediate physical consequences as well as possible infertility in the future, not to mention the short-term and long-term emotional toll they take on a person.
According to the book Girls Uncovered: New Research on What America's Sexual Culture Does to Young Women, sex "places a larger burden on women than men" in several areas. The following eye-opening information is provided...
HPV (Human Papillomavirus)
Though this virus can cause cancer in both men and women, women are by far the most affected, with 12,000 new cases of invasive cervical cancer occurring each year. Sadly, 5,200 women die each year from the cancer.
Women are also the ones consistently subjected to uncomfortable Pap smears, as well as painful, stressful, anxiety-producing colposcopies or cervical biopsies (small pieces of the cervix are cut off for examination) if the Pap comes back abnormal.
If biopsies show precancerous or cancerous cells, the lesions must be removed from the cervix, a painful procedure which can damage the cervix, possibly resulting in infertility to the woman, or premature labor if she is able to carry a child in the future.
Not only that, but genital warts, also caused by HPV, are much more difficult to eradicate in women than men because of the "welcoming environment" of a woman's body, and can require several visits to the doctor. Meanwhile the medication used to treat warts typically causes uncomfortable burning in the vulva. :(
HPV is also linked to vaginal cancer, vulvar cancer, anal cancer (anal sex), and cancer of the throat and mouth (oral sex). It can also be spread simply through skin-to-skin contact or skin-to-genital contact.
Keep in mind that about 25 percent of teen girls and 45 percent of women ages twenty to twenty-four have HPV. Crazy enough, infections are often acquired during a first sexual experience. Since it is believed that levels of infection are even higher in men, it is estimated that 75 percent of the entire US population will eventually be infected with HPV!
Chlamydia and Gonorrhea
Chlamydia is by far the most common STI, and the group with the highest reported rate of chlamydia and gonorrhea is fifteen to nineteen-year-old girls, followed closely by twenty to twenty-four-year-olds.
The immaturity of the cervix in teen girls (sometimes referred to as "the transformation zone") is thought to be a big reason for their susceptibility to chlamydia and gonorrhea. These cells are less tough than those of girls in their twenties and older, or of those who have already had a child.
Sadly, up to 90 percent of women don't even realize they have chlamydia and 85 percent don't know they have gonorrhea because they experience no symptoms!
Left untreated, chlamydia and gonorrhea can lead to painful pelvic inflammatory disease, which damages and scares the Fallopian tubes, resulting in infertility, ectopic pregnancies, and chronic pelvic pain.
Chances are one day you will likely want a child of your own, and if you've ever known a woman who was trying to get pregnant and couldn't, you've probably seen the deep grief these women experience as a result of not being able to bear their own child.
One particular woman who experienced infertility for three years eventually found out "her fallopian tubes were not only blocked by extensive scarring, they were stuck to her ovaries. Also, her ovaries were stuck to some of her intestines and to her uterus." She had been a flight attendant prior to marriage and had been sexually involved with several men. She'd contracted an STI but had no idea because she had no symptoms. Sadly, no amount of surgery could reverse the damage done.
Herpes
One is six American adults is estimated to have herpes, including, again, many who are infected and don't know it.
For those who do experience symptoms, it is usually the woman who encounters excruciating burning of her genitals when first infected. In fact, sometimes the pain is so severe women cannot even urinate.
Not only that but, as we all know, there is no cure for herpes so there is a continual risk that a woman will pass the virus onto her child during labor. Herpes can cause blindness, brain damage, and even death to a child.
There are also significant psychological symptoms, both during the initial onset as well as throughout the recurring outbreaks, including anxiety, distress, and fear of stigmatization caused by a virus that will never go away.
All Things Considered
Based on this information alone, it is safe to conclude (and ludicrous to deny!) that we put ourselves at tremendous risk when engaging in sex with someone other than a faithful, long-term monogamous partner.
Admittedly, in our current culture, a faithful steady guy is hard to come by, but maybe if enough girls start to raise the bar and expect more, we will ignite a revolution where healthier sex choices become the norm... for ourselves, if for no one else.
Often the negative consequences of sex affect girls more than guys.
What kinds of consequences am I talking about? STIs- their immediate physical consequences as well as possible infertility in the future, not to mention the short-term and long-term emotional toll they take on a person.
According to the book Girls Uncovered: New Research on What America's Sexual Culture Does to Young Women, sex "places a larger burden on women than men" in several areas. The following eye-opening information is provided...
HPV (Human Papillomavirus)
Though this virus can cause cancer in both men and women, women are by far the most affected, with 12,000 new cases of invasive cervical cancer occurring each year. Sadly, 5,200 women die each year from the cancer.
Women are also the ones consistently subjected to uncomfortable Pap smears, as well as painful, stressful, anxiety-producing colposcopies or cervical biopsies (small pieces of the cervix are cut off for examination) if the Pap comes back abnormal.
If biopsies show precancerous or cancerous cells, the lesions must be removed from the cervix, a painful procedure which can damage the cervix, possibly resulting in infertility to the woman, or premature labor if she is able to carry a child in the future.
Not only that, but genital warts, also caused by HPV, are much more difficult to eradicate in women than men because of the "welcoming environment" of a woman's body, and can require several visits to the doctor. Meanwhile the medication used to treat warts typically causes uncomfortable burning in the vulva. :(
HPV is also linked to vaginal cancer, vulvar cancer, anal cancer (anal sex), and cancer of the throat and mouth (oral sex). It can also be spread simply through skin-to-skin contact or skin-to-genital contact.
Keep in mind that about 25 percent of teen girls and 45 percent of women ages twenty to twenty-four have HPV. Crazy enough, infections are often acquired during a first sexual experience. Since it is believed that levels of infection are even higher in men, it is estimated that 75 percent of the entire US population will eventually be infected with HPV!
Chlamydia and Gonorrhea
Chlamydia is by far the most common STI, and the group with the highest reported rate of chlamydia and gonorrhea is fifteen to nineteen-year-old girls, followed closely by twenty to twenty-four-year-olds.
The immaturity of the cervix in teen girls (sometimes referred to as "the transformation zone") is thought to be a big reason for their susceptibility to chlamydia and gonorrhea. These cells are less tough than those of girls in their twenties and older, or of those who have already had a child.
Sadly, up to 90 percent of women don't even realize they have chlamydia and 85 percent don't know they have gonorrhea because they experience no symptoms!
Left untreated, chlamydia and gonorrhea can lead to painful pelvic inflammatory disease, which damages and scares the Fallopian tubes, resulting in infertility, ectopic pregnancies, and chronic pelvic pain.
Chances are one day you will likely want a child of your own, and if you've ever known a woman who was trying to get pregnant and couldn't, you've probably seen the deep grief these women experience as a result of not being able to bear their own child.
One particular woman who experienced infertility for three years eventually found out "her fallopian tubes were not only blocked by extensive scarring, they were stuck to her ovaries. Also, her ovaries were stuck to some of her intestines and to her uterus." She had been a flight attendant prior to marriage and had been sexually involved with several men. She'd contracted an STI but had no idea because she had no symptoms. Sadly, no amount of surgery could reverse the damage done.
Herpes
One is six American adults is estimated to have herpes, including, again, many who are infected and don't know it.
For those who do experience symptoms, it is usually the woman who encounters excruciating burning of her genitals when first infected. In fact, sometimes the pain is so severe women cannot even urinate.
Not only that but, as we all know, there is no cure for herpes so there is a continual risk that a woman will pass the virus onto her child during labor. Herpes can cause blindness, brain damage, and even death to a child.
There are also significant psychological symptoms, both during the initial onset as well as throughout the recurring outbreaks, including anxiety, distress, and fear of stigmatization caused by a virus that will never go away.
All Things Considered
Based on this information alone, it is safe to conclude (and ludicrous to deny!) that we put ourselves at tremendous risk when engaging in sex with someone other than a faithful, long-term monogamous partner.
Admittedly, in our current culture, a faithful steady guy is hard to come by, but maybe if enough girls start to raise the bar and expect more, we will ignite a revolution where healthier sex choices become the norm... for ourselves, if for no one else.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Sexual Marketplace Value (SMV) = Sad Point of View (SPV)
If you are no stranger to hookup blogs, you have likely run across a particular blog touting its research-based advice as an intelligent approach to hookups. Sadly, the main theory pushed by the author is the idea of Sexual Marketplace Value (SMV). Meaning, each one us has a specific sexual value within the realm of a sort-of sexual exchange.
Great lengths have been taken to over-intellectualize the dynamics of such a marketplace, but it basically boils down to the sexual desirability of an individual or group (i.e. women in their 30's).
So twenty-something Suzy might be an 8 because she works out, has good hygiene, dresses nice, and regularly does her hair and makeup, though she isn't the most naturally beautiful girl. Meanwhile Frida is a 6 because, even though she is young, has good hygiene, and generally looks presentable, she doesn't exercise regularly and has been known go without makeup more often than not.
Apparently, in addition to factors such as age, hygiene, and looks, the value can go up or down based on past sexual experience (too much is generally not good), current relationship status (having a cute boyfriend makes one's value go up), and the type of "market" in which you are competing (college vs. high school, urban area vs. rural area, etc.).
While it may seem intelligent and trendy to classify sexuality this way, such an ideology is demeaning to all of us- reducing you and I to nothing more than a commodity to be bought and sold.
I don't know about you but I certainly think of myself as more than just a "product" available in a "marketplace." We are, after all, complex beings, complete with thoughts, feelings, intentions, struggles, hurts, baggage, dreams, and passions. We are the most unique beings on the planet, drastically different from any other creatures in existence. The Sexual Marketplace Value view nullifies all of that.
It takes the mystery and excitement out of human beings and relationships, ignoring all of the unique intricacies which make us human.
This point of view is especially sad to those who believe we are made in the image of God. To think precious creatures, such are we are, made in God's image and yet no two the same, are nothing more than merchandise for sale to the highest bidder deeply troubles the soul and hurts my heart. I hope it troubles you too.
Don't believe the lie that your sexuality culminates in nothing more than an SMV!
You are so much more. God has so much more for you. He has someone special in mind just for you. Think of how much hope that brings as compared to feeling like you have to compete in some demeaning and heartless contest for the attention of the opposite sex. Like we don't have enough pressures in this life already.
Do yourself a favor, don't buy into this Sad Point of View and learn to see the value of your sexuality from God's eyes. You'll be glad you did!
Great lengths have been taken to over-intellectualize the dynamics of such a marketplace, but it basically boils down to the sexual desirability of an individual or group (i.e. women in their 30's).
So twenty-something Suzy might be an 8 because she works out, has good hygiene, dresses nice, and regularly does her hair and makeup, though she isn't the most naturally beautiful girl. Meanwhile Frida is a 6 because, even though she is young, has good hygiene, and generally looks presentable, she doesn't exercise regularly and has been known go without makeup more often than not.
Apparently, in addition to factors such as age, hygiene, and looks, the value can go up or down based on past sexual experience (too much is generally not good), current relationship status (having a cute boyfriend makes one's value go up), and the type of "market" in which you are competing (college vs. high school, urban area vs. rural area, etc.).
While it may seem intelligent and trendy to classify sexuality this way, such an ideology is demeaning to all of us- reducing you and I to nothing more than a commodity to be bought and sold.
I don't know about you but I certainly think of myself as more than just a "product" available in a "marketplace." We are, after all, complex beings, complete with thoughts, feelings, intentions, struggles, hurts, baggage, dreams, and passions. We are the most unique beings on the planet, drastically different from any other creatures in existence. The Sexual Marketplace Value view nullifies all of that.
It takes the mystery and excitement out of human beings and relationships, ignoring all of the unique intricacies which make us human.
This point of view is especially sad to those who believe we are made in the image of God. To think precious creatures, such are we are, made in God's image and yet no two the same, are nothing more than merchandise for sale to the highest bidder deeply troubles the soul and hurts my heart. I hope it troubles you too.
Don't believe the lie that your sexuality culminates in nothing more than an SMV!
You are so much more. God has so much more for you. He has someone special in mind just for you. Think of how much hope that brings as compared to feeling like you have to compete in some demeaning and heartless contest for the attention of the opposite sex. Like we don't have enough pressures in this life already.
Do yourself a favor, don't buy into this Sad Point of View and learn to see the value of your sexuality from God's eyes. You'll be glad you did!
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Your Body is Betraying You
We all know the premise behind hooking up is the idea of "no strings attached," but what if I told you it is never possible to have sex without attachment? Not just for spiritual reasons, but also for very significant scientific reasons- namely, the way our brains are wired to respond to sex.
Most of us don't have a clue that the whole time we're telling ourselves it's "just sex," our brains are busy forming attachment bonds with our partner.
The culprits of this sinister malefaction are dopamine and oxytocin. According to neuroscientific discoveries in the last decade, both of these neurochemicals are released or become elevated in the brain during sex.
Dopamine, which induces feelings of pleasure as well as a desire to repeat the act producing the pleasure, becomes dramatically elevated during sex. In fact, according to the authors of Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex is Affecting our Children, sex is one of the strongest generators of dopamine reward. Because of this, we can literally become hooked or addicted to sex with our partner. While this is good news for those in monogamous relationships who desire to stay together for the long haul, it becomes troubling for those who are faced with the possibility of a string of casual sexual encounters.
Meanwhile, oxytocin, a neurochemical that active primarily in female brains during four specific times, two of which include intimate touching and orgasm, results in feelings of emotional attachment. It's important to realize these feelings are not just something we can choose to ignore. They are the result of a real physiological process going on in our brains and create an actual, not just perceived, bonding effect.
In fact, oxytocin is the very same chemical that creates a bond between a mother and child and is released by the brain during labor, and, more tellingly, during breastfeeding.
If that doesn't show us that our brains are wired to make loving, long lasting attachments as a result of sex, I don't know what does. As you can imagine, this is a big reason why we can't help but fall for that guy we've been hooking up with, or start to feel confused about that friend with benefits, or struggle with feeling hurt and used after what's supposed to be a simple casual sex encounter (or, on a whole other note, why guys who view porn and masturbate are selfish sexually- they're bonded to themselves through the neurochemical vasopressin...but that's a whole other post).
Something to seriously think about the next time you go for the hookup...
Most of us don't have a clue that the whole time we're telling ourselves it's "just sex," our brains are busy forming attachment bonds with our partner.
The culprits of this sinister malefaction are dopamine and oxytocin. According to neuroscientific discoveries in the last decade, both of these neurochemicals are released or become elevated in the brain during sex.
Dopamine, which induces feelings of pleasure as well as a desire to repeat the act producing the pleasure, becomes dramatically elevated during sex. In fact, according to the authors of Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex is Affecting our Children, sex is one of the strongest generators of dopamine reward. Because of this, we can literally become hooked or addicted to sex with our partner. While this is good news for those in monogamous relationships who desire to stay together for the long haul, it becomes troubling for those who are faced with the possibility of a string of casual sexual encounters.
Meanwhile, oxytocin, a neurochemical that active primarily in female brains during four specific times, two of which include intimate touching and orgasm, results in feelings of emotional attachment. It's important to realize these feelings are not just something we can choose to ignore. They are the result of a real physiological process going on in our brains and create an actual, not just perceived, bonding effect.
In fact, oxytocin is the very same chemical that creates a bond between a mother and child and is released by the brain during labor, and, more tellingly, during breastfeeding.
If that doesn't show us that our brains are wired to make loving, long lasting attachments as a result of sex, I don't know what does. As you can imagine, this is a big reason why we can't help but fall for that guy we've been hooking up with, or start to feel confused about that friend with benefits, or struggle with feeling hurt and used after what's supposed to be a simple casual sex encounter (or, on a whole other note, why guys who view porn and masturbate are selfish sexually- they're bonded to themselves through the neurochemical vasopressin...but that's a whole other post).
Something to seriously think about the next time you go for the hookup...
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Welcome to the Sexual Devolution
The pursuit of erotic pleasure. Free love. Sexual liberation. All selling points of the sexual revolution of the 60s, 70s, and 80s. Promising happiness, abandon, and sensuously abundant lives. Flash forward a few decades and now we have hookups, friends with benefits, and one night stands. It's intriguing how the terms for casual sex no longer carry any romantic undertones. Maybe it's because the romantic type of casual sex propagandized by the sexual revolution was smoke and mirrors all along...
Did the sexual revolution really make things better for generations to come? Do you and I actually enjoy the abounding sexual fulfillment and freedom our parents or grandparents sought to achieve as they bucked the mores of antiquated sexuality?
We girls, if we are honest, deep in our heart of hearts, have to admit that despite feeling free to do most anything sexually, our sexual encounters have often left us feeling confused and empty, even ashamed and angry. Why is it that no matter how hard we try to turn our feelings off, things still end up messy? If we like the guy, we have to ward off feelings of jealousy and ambivalence. If we don't like him, we can't help but be irritated and even begin to resent him. Of course, this is on top of the mixed feelings we have about ourselves in the process. Why does regret sneak in an hour, a day, a week later, or sometimes before it's even over?
Why can't we just experience invigorating physical pleasure without all the other junk mixed in?
It's because there is no such thing as casual sex! There never has been and there never will be.
You see, some argue the sexual revolution was an era of truly casual sex. For the first time in history, pregnancy could be prevented, or even legally terminated if so desired, and sexually transmitted diseases could easily be cured with a dose of antibiotics, unlike today where incurable illnesses like HIV/AIDS and herpes threaten to dampen the ecstasy of our sexual adventures, leaving us with a lifetime of regret. But did these factors truly dissolve the constraints that make sex a binding act between two human beings? As you will see throughout this blog, the answer is no.
Free "love," though cheap, is never free. It costs us our souls, and often the health of our bodies.
When outward restraints are removed, yet indivisible inward constraints remain, a downward spiral of confusion and self loathing begins to develop.
This is something our parents and grandparents did not foresee in their fight for sexual freedom. Something confirmed by science and studies and personal stories...and wisdom.
Oh sure, we're good at using defense mechanisms to shake ourselves free from the grip of sexual fallout. Often we justify our actions by saying, "It's just sex. It's a normal part of life. We're wired to be sexual creatures." Or we tell ourselves, promise even, we won't do "that" again (whatever "that" happens to be), or we drink or get high to remedy that nagging in our conscience. Sometimes we just simply embrace the notion that we're only doing what men have been doing for eons, becoming indignant toward anyone who tries to throw any kind of shame or caution our way.
Despite all this, as you will see, there is no denying we have a huge problem. We can see it in society. We can see it in our own lives. Sex is no longer the beautiful, intimate, and mystical act it was created to be. Instead it's degrading, carnal, and base because, as a result of the Pandora's box opened during the sexual revolution, we are now in the throes of a sexual devolution.
de·vo·lu·tion \ˌde-və-ˈlü-shən also ˌdē-və-\
2: retrograde evolution : degeneration
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